Moving on to a new blog.
Email me for add at maddie_85@yahoo.com
Blogger has left me many memories, both good and bad.
Email me for add at maddie_85@yahoo.com
Blogger has left me many memories, both good and bad.
i know in order to move on, i should just start from scratch,
and never looking back.
Goodbye.
|1:46 PM|
Hong Kong
Its 10 more hours before i head off to Hong Kong. For these past few days, i have been spending quality time with my loved ones, namely my family and Mister JS. Frankly, it was a truly awesome weekend with them as i have been busy working since vacation started in April.
iam excited but not totally. Think iam even more excited for my 22nd Birthday. Gonna cook a nice dinner for mom and dad. At my request, Js took half day off on the 13th Aug just to cook with me. How sweet. I have always wanted to cook since exams ended. Have even bought those sauces but due to unforeseen circumstances, i failed to cook in April. Oh well, it would be nice to have a quiet celebration with my family and Js on that monday. =) =) =)
As for next week, i should be meeting my besties for celebration. *keeping fingers crossed* Hope they be a lil more merciful towards me. But i doubt so. Ha. Since whoever's birthday years back, one person (usually its the birthday girl) will surely get the worst forfeit.
Anyway, school's starting in 2 weeks time. Was discussing with Js about exchange. Really wanna go as i thought it'ii be a good exposure for the both of us. Initially, we wanted Aussie. But if possible, we can head to Europe or better still, Canada! Uncle Eddie is there, prolly can cramp in with his family. Can save money on accomodation =) How cool will that be? But i know its alot of things to be done. Shall see how things goes. This semester, i will work hard and create miracles for my grades. I have done that in poly, so this is not impossible. =)
Till my return to sg, take care my dearies.
Love you all.
iam excited but not totally. Think iam even more excited for my 22nd Birthday. Gonna cook a nice dinner for mom and dad. At my request, Js took half day off on the 13th Aug just to cook with me. How sweet. I have always wanted to cook since exams ended. Have even bought those sauces but due to unforeseen circumstances, i failed to cook in April. Oh well, it would be nice to have a quiet celebration with my family and Js on that monday. =) =) =)
As for next week, i should be meeting my besties for celebration. *keeping fingers crossed* Hope they be a lil more merciful towards me. But i doubt so. Ha. Since whoever's birthday years back, one person (usually its the birthday girl) will surely get the worst forfeit.
Anyway, school's starting in 2 weeks time. Was discussing with Js about exchange. Really wanna go as i thought it'ii be a good exposure for the both of us. Initially, we wanted Aussie. But if possible, we can head to Europe or better still, Canada! Uncle Eddie is there, prolly can cramp in with his family. Can save money on accomodation =) How cool will that be? But i know its alot of things to be done. Shall see how things goes. This semester, i will work hard and create miracles for my grades. I have done that in poly, so this is not impossible. =)
Till my return to sg, take care my dearies.
Love you all.
|5:40 PM|
Don't know what gotten to me these 2 weeks. I have been so freakin' FRUSTRATED. Like to pick at the slightest thing. Wonder if its my mense? BOSS bids? Lack of sleep? Lack of my own personal time? My sickness? My past? My present?
I just freakin don't know.
|12:26 PM|
2 months may have passed. But memories are still vivid. Been told to move on and i have prolly did. But what happened during that short span of time certainly changed my life. Regardless of what others say about my entry, iam still gonna blogged abt it, for these are my exact thoughts about the issues that happened.
In the past, when i was overwhelmed with emotions, i just took my pills, brawl it all out or just lapsed into another dimension. I was definitely badly affected by the past events. Its true that time is suppose to heal, but as mentioned countless of times before, how long does it takes to heal exactly? She took 2 years for a 6 months relationship. I really donno about myself. Not forgetting the fact that i gave my entire ALL in that 1.5 years. I regretted for this point. I regretted not holding back. I regretted being overly self-sacrificial. I regretted trying to be his everything. I regretted letting myself getting hurt when i was suppose to self-love.
And of course, my biggest regret was to allow my emotions taking over me for the whole six months. I refused help from mom, dad, sis and friends. I just wanted help from him. I think he tried but the help he gave was not what i wanted.
I tried to take many baby steps to get myself outta this but to no avail. That time, i was emotionally dependent on him. Only he was capable of making me happy and sad. And frankly, i think that really sucks. Relationships ARE supposed to be beautiful and trusting. Why do i live with so much decep and prolly hatred? During the time when i needed a trusted support the most, he left me. Yes, i became heavily dependent on my family, friends and jinsheng. Not that i really wanted to but i was left with no choice. I remembered blogging a private entry, "....extremely rocky now...really pray for the best and hope we dont end up going seperate ways cos if that happens, its really the end of the world of me......" Fang also mentioned few months back that, if i were to suffer a breakup, my condition will certainly get worst. True enough, that happened.
Come to think of it, some friends thought it was pure cruelty. Others thought it might be a blessing in disguise. As for me, it could be a mixture of both but prolly skewed more to the latter. Actually, i thought i might have a committment phobia after this. But surprisingly, this is not the case for jinsheng. Through him and all the past events that had occured, i learnt to be emotionally independent from my partners. And i thought that has made me happier to some great extend. I have derive joy from the things i wish to do, not from my boyfriend.
Anyway, speaking of which, we have been together for coming close to a month. I think time passed very fast and the day that we got together was extremely significant, 150607. Its the middle of the year and the middle of the month. Additionally, its his birthday too. Kok Liang says i can save on his present every year. =) haha. Oh well, he has been so great as well. Really wonderful. We do have our disagreements at times, but i guess we always talk things out and i really appreciate that =)
Suppose to be celebrating this sat. I told him i wanted sushi cos i am extremely obsessed with Salmon Sashimi =D Oh my, typing this now just makes me hungry. Gotta wait tho. Good things must always wait. And also, its less a month to my HongKong trip. I just met up with mel today to discuss with her about our trip. Getting excited as well. My first time abroad with friend. How cool can that be? Its gonna be sucha wonderful birthday present to me. I guess its kinda sad that eileen can join. And really babe, i wonder how you are getting on. I wanted to comment you on your bloggy. But after typing, i decided to drop you an email the next day. And as expected, that next day never came! sorry. But still, i do care and i really miss you. =) just text me if anything k. iii always be here
|6:13 PM|
its been long since i blogged. Lost that momentum in writing tho. And i have tried countless attempt to do up a nice blogskin which of cos, produces fruitless results. Iam just too overly perfectionist that all the skins that i created doesnt seem to satisfy me. Anyway, will continue to customise one when i have the time. =p
Have been really busy with work. The job at HSBC was really crap but, i did learn ALOT. Leasing work was certainly not my forte and i started everything from scratch. Frankly, it was the worst job i have ever temp. Almost everyday, i get "screwed" from all directions. Once i fend off an arrow from one department, another comes from behind. The last straw came when i was made to take the blame for a failed contract. I wish to stay but getting $6/hr was certainly not very fantastic. It was simply less than peanuts. Decided to leave for greener fields and chance upon a job near my home.
Guess what? Life can get so contradicting at times. After working for a day there, i realised i preferred the fast pace job at Shenton. So i left the company and got a job at OCBC. Anyway, it was not all bad at HSBC. I was always looking forward to lunch with him where we will both start whining to each other about work. =) Oh well, i just wanna work as much as i can to pay for my HK trip in August with meli! cant wait.
Note: its getting real late and frankly, i havent finish blogging =) Shall continue in next entry then.
|1:27 AM|
Devastated. Truly devastated.
"Be strong", he says.
Iam trying.
Iam really trying.
"Be strong", he says.
Iam trying.
Iam really trying.
|4:06 AM|
i had my relapse again last night. Really hate it and i drowned myself with sleeping pills. Couldnt wake up until 11 this morning. For those who know me, iam usually up by 9am. Can imagine how strong those pills were. I was really upset. And fortunately babe called me. Time flew so fast that i didnt realised we spoke for 3 hours. I guess when we're down in the dump, some angels do miraculously appear. We comforted
each other and i was glad both of us felt better after the conversation.
Babe, you know why i didnt scold you? Firstly, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistake. What matters most is NOT the mistake you make, but the process of learning from it. I may not understand your situation fully, so the least i can do is not to judge. You did not do wrong and neither you're right. Everything is subjective. Its a matter of different perspective of individuals. I guess to me, we are already 22 and its critical for us to handle issues like an adult. As what i told you, both of us learnt things the hard way. It'ii prolly make us be stronger individuals next time. Additionally, those things that impact me alot will prolly be deeply embedded in my mind for a long long time. So take things in your stride ya. =)
Moving on, things have been pretty rough on my side. I have been handling so many things concurrently that friends are worried of me getting a burnout from everything! i seriously don't know. Iam just taking things as it comes. I really need my encouragement. I need appreciation for the things i have done. Just yesterday, i ruined 2 weeks of my hard work. You know how heartbroken i was? I blamed it on my own stupidity until sis asked me:"do you regret what you have said?"
strangely, my answer was a "No". I don't regret and never did. I guess through so much happenings in my life, i have emerged to be someone who knows what i want. Usually i dont take back my words. Hence, this makes me to be extremely careful with what i say or do, for i dont want to regret something for the rest of my life. In short, i meant what i said.
Well, the commencing of my first paper is just 3 days away. And i still have tons to mug. Iam so freakin' dead. Prolly study too much. Cos the tiniest things at home interest me greatly. Just a moment ago, i was analysing this lonely ant on my floor. Donno why but it really amuses me. Alright, time to hit the sack!
each other and i was glad both of us felt better after the conversation.
Babe, you know why i didnt scold you? Firstly, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistake. What matters most is NOT the mistake you make, but the process of learning from it. I may not understand your situation fully, so the least i can do is not to judge. You did not do wrong and neither you're right. Everything is subjective. Its a matter of different perspective of individuals. I guess to me, we are already 22 and its critical for us to handle issues like an adult. As what i told you, both of us learnt things the hard way. It'ii prolly make us be stronger individuals next time. Additionally, those things that impact me alot will prolly be deeply embedded in my mind for a long long time. So take things in your stride ya. =)
Moving on, things have been pretty rough on my side. I have been handling so many things concurrently that friends are worried of me getting a burnout from everything! i seriously don't know. Iam just taking things as it comes. I really need my encouragement. I need appreciation for the things i have done. Just yesterday, i ruined 2 weeks of my hard work. You know how heartbroken i was? I blamed it on my own stupidity until sis asked me:"do you regret what you have said?"
strangely, my answer was a "No". I don't regret and never did. I guess through so much happenings in my life, i have emerged to be someone who knows what i want. Usually i dont take back my words. Hence, this makes me to be extremely careful with what i say or do, for i dont want to regret something for the rest of my life. In short, i meant what i said.
Well, the commencing of my first paper is just 3 days away. And i still have tons to mug. Iam so freakin' dead. Prolly study too much. Cos the tiniest things at home interest me greatly. Just a moment ago, i was analysing this lonely ant on my floor. Donno why but it really amuses me. Alright, time to hit the sack!
|12:55 PM|
"i feel, a relapse coming up. =(
trying to control myself.
darn, exams are coming up.
and with all the deadlines,
i can hardly breathe.
JS wrote me a long long letter.
and i think, he is concerned about me getting a burned out.
in which, i promised i will plan my time carefully.
man, its tough."
Those are exactly my thoughts now. I felt the pressure suddenly. Pressure from school work. People gets addicted to caffeine, drugs, booze, sex etc. Iam addicted to sleep. If i dont get my usual noon naps, my mind will start drifting elsewhere. And that was what exactly happened this afternoon. Iam trying to break out of this though. I know the beginning to any changes can be tough. But its essential to take the first step. Its not just this iam worried about. My quality of work is declining. That is my greatest pressure. As mentioned, exams are coming up. And i seemed to be going through one of my darkest periods concurrently.
Min dropped by yesterday. It was a surprise visit. She was so sweet. Bought me this pillow mist from L'Occitane, Meiji Choc and a cd featuring Bobby McFerrin. We chatted till almost 1am when i urged her to return home. I wish for longer chats though. But those short moments were enough. She kept emphasizing that, friends ought to be here for me and that, i shouldnt feel bad. To be frank, i hate troubling people. Not even my family actually. I guess, if iam living alone outside, my family will never know about my problems. Well, i guess, life is like that hur?
i havent blame anyone for my problems. Sometimes, i do feel that, the problems are not enough to last me a lifetime. Everyone should face with problems to grow. But i know, iam learning the hard way. No route is easy and i accept that. I seemed to be babbling non-stop. Have this strong urge to delete this post but oh well, my fingers just went "publish" instead. hah. going nuts. must be the medicine.
trying to control myself.
darn, exams are coming up.
and with all the deadlines,
i can hardly breathe.
JS wrote me a long long letter.
and i think, he is concerned about me getting a burned out.
in which, i promised i will plan my time carefully.
man, its tough."
Those are exactly my thoughts now. I felt the pressure suddenly. Pressure from school work. People gets addicted to caffeine, drugs, booze, sex etc. Iam addicted to sleep. If i dont get my usual noon naps, my mind will start drifting elsewhere. And that was what exactly happened this afternoon. Iam trying to break out of this though. I know the beginning to any changes can be tough. But its essential to take the first step. Its not just this iam worried about. My quality of work is declining. That is my greatest pressure. As mentioned, exams are coming up. And i seemed to be going through one of my darkest periods concurrently.
Min dropped by yesterday. It was a surprise visit. She was so sweet. Bought me this pillow mist from L'Occitane, Meiji Choc and a cd featuring Bobby McFerrin. We chatted till almost 1am when i urged her to return home. I wish for longer chats though. But those short moments were enough. She kept emphasizing that, friends ought to be here for me and that, i shouldnt feel bad. To be frank, i hate troubling people. Not even my family actually. I guess, if iam living alone outside, my family will never know about my problems. Well, i guess, life is like that hur?
i havent blame anyone for my problems. Sometimes, i do feel that, the problems are not enough to last me a lifetime. Everyone should face with problems to grow. But i know, iam learning the hard way. No route is easy and i accept that. I seemed to be babbling non-stop. Have this strong urge to delete this post but oh well, my fingers just went "publish" instead. hah. going nuts. must be the medicine.
|10:54 PM|
at the airport
Iii be lying if i say i dont miss him. It has been more than a week since i heard from him. That certainly worries me. As everyone knows, i do think alot and have probably reach a stage where i became irrational. I dont know if the Indonesia earthquake does affect him in any ways. Yes, two different countries but they are connected by the same water. And if i remember correctly, he was supposed to be stationed at a rig in the open waters. It is worrying me. =(
Been getting the spells recently. Dont know if its the side effects of the medication but i doubt so. I had that same spells half year back. And the doc couldnt diagnose anything. Doc even suggested going to a specialist. I refused of course. Pretty ex i guess. Anyway, i do see the urgency to nurse myself back to health for, exams are coming. I cant fall sick and i dont want to.
Well, i realised iam not into my usual writing style. Just type whatever that comes into my mind. Rather unstructured i guess. But who cares. I met up with babe and fang last week. Speaking to them was kinda, tough? My thoughts were really scattered. But of course, they didnt mind. It wasnt like this in the past. I guess, there are some problems with my communication skills now. And sad to say, i dont remember things as well as i do in the past. Been pretty forgetful. JS bought me a book, "The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck" after our meetup at Harry's. It was meant to be a surprise and of course, reading the letter he wrote was nice as well. Yes, i have made another well-deserving friend at smu. Thanks dude. =)
|11:08 AM|
I have always thought that writing your everyday's doing is purely weird cos, why would everyone wants to know what you have eaten for lunch and what you have bought for your shopping trip today. I was so wrong. Now that my life is kinda empty, i have grown to appreciate reading other people's lives of what they do everyday. At times, i wish to rack my brains and asked myself if i have anything to blog for my friends.
But often, i have nothing to write, for my life at the moment, consists mostly of sleeping and study. Fulfilling life i have none. What a shame. At the moment, i have been taking 3 different types of medication and yes, iam relying on sleeping pills to overcome that insommia that i suffered for the last few nights. I wish to resume my exercises and run as that should get rid of those letargic-ness and restlessness i have during the day.
Yesterday BY came over and exclaimed in disgust (remind me to punch him for this) that i looked thin. Scrawny and boney. In case if anyone is concerned about me now, NO, i dont look that terrible alright. He just likes to exaggerate. Well, i know he is concerned la. Anyway, will be back soon with a new entry on what i have been doing in dec 2006 till now. Whether anyone likes it, iam definitely writing.
But often, i have nothing to write, for my life at the moment, consists mostly of sleeping and study. Fulfilling life i have none. What a shame. At the moment, i have been taking 3 different types of medication and yes, iam relying on sleeping pills to overcome that insommia that i suffered for the last few nights. I wish to resume my exercises and run as that should get rid of those letargic-ness and restlessness i have during the day.
Yesterday BY came over and exclaimed in disgust (remind me to punch him for this) that i looked thin. Scrawny and boney. In case if anyone is concerned about me now, NO, i dont look that terrible alright. He just likes to exaggerate. Well, i know he is concerned la. Anyway, will be back soon with a new entry on what i have been doing in dec 2006 till now. Whether anyone likes it, iam definitely writing.
end note: pardon my spelling errors. not exactly that critical of my words now.
|2:55 PM|
Confiding is just admitting. You have to really run away yourself. Take a new step in something and you will find things better. Get a hold of life. There is no better age than now. Well hope things will turn out better, they always do...Eventually
You can have a broader view of the situation if you step out for awhile. It will serve to psychologically make you more positive to the issues that you can control. Do take care anyway.
- Mr HL Banana Milk lover (sorry, you just reminded me of that. haha)
You can have a broader view of the situation if you step out for awhile. It will serve to psychologically make you more positive to the issues that you can control. Do take care anyway.
- Mr HL Banana Milk lover (sorry, you just reminded me of that. haha)
|12:01 AM|
recently, i had so much problems with the boyfriend
till it had left me with, two swollen eyes on thursday morning.
then my girlfriend said this to me,
"when you get mad at alvin again, think about what mine did to me. it might make you feel better."
frankly, iam touched by what she has said.
i told her, i cant bring myself to find joy at the expense of her misery.
but i do agree, her case is worse than mine.
and seriously, where can you ever find sucha' good friend like this?
thanks babe and no,
i wont think about what he has done to you whenever i have issues.
i just cant bring myself to do that.
till it had left me with, two swollen eyes on thursday morning.
then my girlfriend said this to me,
"when you get mad at alvin again, think about what mine did to me. it might make you feel better."
frankly, iam touched by what she has said.
i told her, i cant bring myself to find joy at the expense of her misery.
but i do agree, her case is worse than mine.
and seriously, where can you ever find sucha' good friend like this?
thanks babe and no,
i wont think about what he has done to you whenever i have issues.
i just cant bring myself to do that.
|6:33 PM|
Before someone slammed me for copyrighting, i wanna clarify that,
i found these philosophies at some guy's profile. Reason of copying?
This freakin' dude shares the same philosophies as me, in terms of how we view life, that is.
(1) Someone who strongly believes that everyone should keep changing for the better. The fact that no one is perfect is a perfect excuse for people to give up on themselves and sit their fat ass on their comfort zone.
i found these philosophies at some guy's profile. Reason of copying?
This freakin' dude shares the same philosophies as me, in terms of how we view life, that is.
(1) Someone who strongly believes that everyone should keep changing for the better. The fact that no one is perfect is a perfect excuse for people to give up on themselves and sit their fat ass on their comfort zone.
my comments: (i welcome open confrontations on my character. I do agree that, no one is perfect. But if no one is gonna step up to confront me, i can never change. And to me, this is plainly biased-ness)
(2) Someone who feels that people who live for themselves should find a cave in the most desertated island this earth can offer, and isolate themselves for the rest of their lives, eating sashimi and sucking coconuts. If u dun feel sorry for being selfish, rest assured u will end up deeper than 6 feet under.
my comments: (yes, i guess sometimes, we dont always live for ourselves. We live for others too.)
(3) Someone who believes that Smart means high EQ and not IQ. The true definition of a Smart Ass is someone who has such a high EQ that he can manipulate brain juice of someone with very high IQ to do his crap.
(4) And Finally, I am really someone who is really straight forward and can be full of shit at times. And I have been a very often misunderstood person, so take a step back and think hard before judging anyone, anyhow.
(2) Someone who feels that people who live for themselves should find a cave in the most desertated island this earth can offer, and isolate themselves for the rest of their lives, eating sashimi and sucking coconuts. If u dun feel sorry for being selfish, rest assured u will end up deeper than 6 feet under.
my comments: (yes, i guess sometimes, we dont always live for ourselves. We live for others too.)
(3) Someone who believes that Smart means high EQ and not IQ. The true definition of a Smart Ass is someone who has such a high EQ that he can manipulate brain juice of someone with very high IQ to do his crap.
(4) And Finally, I am really someone who is really straight forward and can be full of shit at times. And I have been a very often misunderstood person, so take a step back and think hard before judging anyone, anyhow.
my comments: (YES, iam always misunderstood. Be it my actions, my words, my behaviour. Always always misunderstood.)
|2:06 AM|
Sometimes, i think,
i failed as a good friend.
Its just not in me to take initiative.
That's the real madeline.
But i know friendships will get stagnant if,
i continue this behavior.
Thus, i tried to change.
But i guess,
Its never enough.
Actually, when i start to pick up my life,
studies begin to take up most of my time.
Everyone knows that when school term starts,
iii mostly disappear.
I have to. Mom paid so much for my fees.
I cant let her down.
I have a committment.
Fraid somethings may need to be sacrifice.
I just dont have a choice.
If i could, i wish to have two sides of me.
One to study. The other to spend time with friends.
i failed as a good friend.
Its just not in me to take initiative.
That's the real madeline.
But i know friendships will get stagnant if,
i continue this behavior.
Thus, i tried to change.
But i guess,
Its never enough.
Actually, when i start to pick up my life,
studies begin to take up most of my time.
Everyone knows that when school term starts,
iii mostly disappear.
I have to. Mom paid so much for my fees.
I cant let her down.
I have a committment.
Fraid somethings may need to be sacrifice.
I just dont have a choice.
If i could, i wish to have two sides of me.
One to study. The other to spend time with friends.
|3:19 AM|
Life to me, is like a threater. It just dawned on me that i have always been the leading actress of my own stage. Like a prima donna, i call the shots on what scenes to be act daily. And it seems like, mind has been skewed towards being melancholic again. Since school started, i have been out of sorts every single day.
The more optimistic i stay, the more challenges i faced. How contradicting life can be. To be frank, iam in no mood to hang out at the moment. Even if i need to sort out my thoughts, iii prolly be alone at somewhere quiet. Girlfriend suddenly came up to me and asked if i was alright. And really, that took me by surprise. She related that, i seemed moody these few days at school. I wish to say more but i knew i couldnt. To me, relating my stories again brings much pain and misery.
I have been through that. And i dont want to go through em' again.
I think, the only issue that i can control is my health. Been trying to nurse myself back to health so that, i can fully focus on my studies. Dont wish for late nights and all those stress to take a further toil in my already weak constitution.
Coming next month, iam gonna make one major decision and this prolly gonna get many to chide at me for being unfilial. But i know, i have to make the right decision. This whole affair has been going ridiculously wrong. And someone just have to stop it. Why has this many years of rivalry between you guys affecting us? Yes i know, we are not financially rich. Yes i know, my dad ain't working due to his disability. Yes i know, we have been through poly. And yes i also know, i manage to get to the local uni. I proved your prediction of 'poly students cant make it to uni' wrong. To be honest, up till today, iii never forget the look on mom's face when i told her that i qualified for local uni. She was so close to tearing.
Seriously, do we have anything for you guys to be jealous about? We are happy and i am also happy in love. And really, what's the problem of being in love? You have always emphasized "studies come first." But you cant control feelings. Why the issue of barring him? It makes no sense to me. Or plainly, its bullshit. Yes, iam enraged. And if this problem cant be settled, you wont be seeing me until late feb. I may seem unfilial but iam still sane. Dont expect me to do all of your bidding. Go find yourselves a new puppet.
The rest of the issues in my life, i shallnt elaborate. Lately, i have been isolating myself from the crowd. Other than heading to school, i have always been home. Wanted to roam around but the rain prevented me. Anyway, i know some of besties are having some issues with their life. I wish to help but i know at this moment, i need to get myself back on feet before helping. To Serene babe, iam sorry that you're going through so much and iam not there physically for you. Dropping you notes is my way of telling you that i still care. Please be strong. Iam not rushing you to move on with your life. Everyone needs to grieve before moving on. But iknow, one day, just one day, you'ii be fine. Please dont do anything to let God take you away from me. I can't afford to lose a friend like you.
Fraid in my life, when problems happened, my first instinct is to run away from it. I have been trying to correct this behaviour and prolly i succeeded a little. Fear is what iam always experiencing and that of cause, make me unable to have the courage to face up to reality. I used to confide everything in sis and boyfriend. But just recently, i realised, i gotta start settling my own problems because no one knows me as much as i know myself. There are many things in life that is just beyond my control. And i know, i have to adapt and change myself for the environment. Not the reverse.
I have way too many new year resolutions and prolly, its time to start planning for applying an overseas exchange to Europe. Guess I need a new environment to start my new life.
The more optimistic i stay, the more challenges i faced. How contradicting life can be. To be frank, iam in no mood to hang out at the moment. Even if i need to sort out my thoughts, iii prolly be alone at somewhere quiet. Girlfriend suddenly came up to me and asked if i was alright. And really, that took me by surprise. She related that, i seemed moody these few days at school. I wish to say more but i knew i couldnt. To me, relating my stories again brings much pain and misery.
I have been through that. And i dont want to go through em' again.
I think, the only issue that i can control is my health. Been trying to nurse myself back to health so that, i can fully focus on my studies. Dont wish for late nights and all those stress to take a further toil in my already weak constitution.
Coming next month, iam gonna make one major decision and this prolly gonna get many to chide at me for being unfilial. But i know, i have to make the right decision. This whole affair has been going ridiculously wrong. And someone just have to stop it. Why has this many years of rivalry between you guys affecting us? Yes i know, we are not financially rich. Yes i know, my dad ain't working due to his disability. Yes i know, we have been through poly. And yes i also know, i manage to get to the local uni. I proved your prediction of 'poly students cant make it to uni' wrong. To be honest, up till today, iii never forget the look on mom's face when i told her that i qualified for local uni. She was so close to tearing.
Seriously, do we have anything for you guys to be jealous about? We are happy and i am also happy in love. And really, what's the problem of being in love? You have always emphasized "studies come first." But you cant control feelings. Why the issue of barring him? It makes no sense to me. Or plainly, its bullshit. Yes, iam enraged. And if this problem cant be settled, you wont be seeing me until late feb. I may seem unfilial but iam still sane. Dont expect me to do all of your bidding. Go find yourselves a new puppet.
The rest of the issues in my life, i shallnt elaborate. Lately, i have been isolating myself from the crowd. Other than heading to school, i have always been home. Wanted to roam around but the rain prevented me. Anyway, i know some of besties are having some issues with their life. I wish to help but i know at this moment, i need to get myself back on feet before helping. To Serene babe, iam sorry that you're going through so much and iam not there physically for you. Dropping you notes is my way of telling you that i still care. Please be strong. Iam not rushing you to move on with your life. Everyone needs to grieve before moving on. But iknow, one day, just one day, you'ii be fine. Please dont do anything to let God take you away from me. I can't afford to lose a friend like you.
Fraid in my life, when problems happened, my first instinct is to run away from it. I have been trying to correct this behaviour and prolly i succeeded a little. Fear is what iam always experiencing and that of cause, make me unable to have the courage to face up to reality. I used to confide everything in sis and boyfriend. But just recently, i realised, i gotta start settling my own problems because no one knows me as much as i know myself. There are many things in life that is just beyond my control. And i know, i have to adapt and change myself for the environment. Not the reverse.
I have way too many new year resolutions and prolly, its time to start planning for applying an overseas exchange to Europe. Guess I need a new environment to start my new life.
|3:59 PM|
today, the 2nd Jan 2007,
i think the optimistic-me has died.
i think the optimistic-me has died.
cause once again,
history has repeated,
in a much severe situation now.
the tears has never stop flowing
when will you ever stop hurting me.
just when?
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|11:12 PM|
2007 entry
People were frantically anticipating 2007 to come. So did i.
Never did i realise the twist to my anticipation.
Was burning with a fever on the 30th Dec.
Naturally, fever weakens my body.
And due to that, we could only watch the beautiful fireworks on the TV.
And this morning at home, had a slight argument with my precious.
Bad way to start the beginning of 2007.
Throughout the whole day,
Nauseousness begins to kick in as i kept getting the feeling to vomit.
Then after lunch, due to too much tom yam soup (i think),
tummy was giving me the cramps.
At the same time, i was losing my voice.
After ktv, we went for dinner.
Due to differences in perference for food,
we went separate ways to have our meals which in turn,
enraged her. When she approached our table,
I was actually arguing with him over certain issues.
The two separate issues saddens me.
Once home, my tummy finally couldn't take it.
I stayed glued to the loo till legs went numb.
Frankly, i seriously think,
i could have experienced a much worse situation.
Either iam crazy or iam overly-optimistic.
Never did i realise the twist to my anticipation.
Was burning with a fever on the 30th Dec.
Naturally, fever weakens my body.
And due to that, we could only watch the beautiful fireworks on the TV.
And this morning at home, had a slight argument with my precious.
Bad way to start the beginning of 2007.
Throughout the whole day,
Nauseousness begins to kick in as i kept getting the feeling to vomit.
Then after lunch, due to too much tom yam soup (i think),
tummy was giving me the cramps.
At the same time, i was losing my voice.
After ktv, we went for dinner.
Due to differences in perference for food,
we went separate ways to have our meals which in turn,
enraged her. When she approached our table,
I was actually arguing with him over certain issues.
The two separate issues saddens me.
Once home, my tummy finally couldn't take it.
I stayed glued to the loo till legs went numb.
Frankly, i seriously think,
i could have experienced a much worse situation.
Either iam crazy or iam overly-optimistic.
|1:31 AM|
I don't need you all to understand my feelings or the situation that i have been through in these past six months.
I just need you all to understand my needs.
And all i ever ask for is,
Acceptance.
I just need you all to understand my needs.
And all i ever ask for is,
Acceptance.
|11:00 PM|
Today, at my cousin's wedding, I learn 3 new things regarding love.
(1) Forgiveness
(2) Be sensitive to each other's needs
(3) Treat each other as God would treat you
pretty inspiring words of advices. Iam taking heed, or at least try to. My last entry before i head off for my holidays. It has been a long time since i travel with my family. Sis asked me to dress less-glam. Cos she doesnt want the locals there to think we are rich -,- maybe she is afraid iii get abducted. haha.
its weird on how my mind is filled with so much stuff to do. And strangely, all these stuff are the little details that humans tend to overlook in life. It just keeps flashing non-stop in my mind. going crazy.
anyway, be getting really busy when iam back. lotsa meetups and birthday celebrations and of cos, gonna spend some well-deserving time with the boyfriend. pardon me if i start to mia. Dear friends, till we meet again, take care.
(1) Forgiveness
(2) Be sensitive to each other's needs
(3) Treat each other as God would treat you
pretty inspiring words of advices. Iam taking heed, or at least try to. My last entry before i head off for my holidays. It has been a long time since i travel with my family. Sis asked me to dress less-glam. Cos she doesnt want the locals there to think we are rich -,- maybe she is afraid iii get abducted. haha.
its weird on how my mind is filled with so much stuff to do. And strangely, all these stuff are the little details that humans tend to overlook in life. It just keeps flashing non-stop in my mind. going crazy.
anyway, be getting really busy when iam back. lotsa meetups and birthday celebrations and of cos, gonna spend some well-deserving time with the boyfriend. pardon me if i start to mia. Dear friends, till we meet again, take care.
|10:22 PM|
missing my boy
Have you ever felt your own emotions being so uncontrollable that you are at loss as to what to do?
I just felt it.
At Zouk, as well as at home.
I just feel like collapsing onto someone and weeped my heart out. During school days, my days just flew past so quickly that i could hardly catch my breath. Every minute and every second, i would be doing something. Be it project, homework, sending out emails, preparation for tests and exams. Every single moment was fully utilized. That was my way of putting aside love affairs to focus on my studies. I guess now that holidays are here, i can no longer get as busy as before. To be honest,
i really miss him.
I just felt it.
At Zouk, as well as at home.
I just feel like collapsing onto someone and weeped my heart out. During school days, my days just flew past so quickly that i could hardly catch my breath. Every minute and every second, i would be doing something. Be it project, homework, sending out emails, preparation for tests and exams. Every single moment was fully utilized. That was my way of putting aside love affairs to focus on my studies. I guess now that holidays are here, i can no longer get as busy as before. To be honest,
i really miss him.
i may not confide in friends about it or may have appear rather unaffected by his absence. Truth is, i was and still is. I just didnt show. Now i just wish, time to pass even faster. Guess i was getting impatient. But prolly people who went through this period with me will understand my anxiety.
|4:35 AM|