"i feel, a relapse coming up. =(
trying to control myself.
darn, exams are coming up.
and with all the deadlines,
i can hardly breathe.
JS wrote me a long long letter.
and i think, he is concerned about me getting a burned out.
in which, i promised i will plan my time carefully.
man, its tough."
Those are exactly my thoughts now. I felt the pressure suddenly. Pressure from school work. People gets addicted to caffeine, drugs, booze, sex etc. Iam addicted to sleep. If i dont get my usual noon naps, my mind will start drifting elsewhere. And that was what exactly happened this afternoon. Iam trying to break out of this though. I know the beginning to any changes can be tough. But its essential to take the first step. Its not just this iam worried about. My quality of work is declining. That is my greatest pressure. As mentioned, exams are coming up. And i seemed to be going through one of my darkest periods concurrently.
Min dropped by yesterday. It was a surprise visit. She was so sweet. Bought me this pillow mist from L'Occitane, Meiji Choc and a cd featuring Bobby McFerrin. We chatted till almost 1am when i urged her to return home. I wish for longer chats though. But those short moments were enough. She kept emphasizing that, friends ought to be here for me and that, i shouldnt feel bad. To be frank, i hate troubling people. Not even my family actually. I guess, if iam living alone outside, my family will never know about my problems. Well, i guess, life is like that hur?
i havent blame anyone for my problems. Sometimes, i do feel that, the problems are not enough to last me a lifetime. Everyone should face with problems to grow. But i know, iam learning the hard way. No route is easy and i accept that. I seemed to be babbling non-stop. Have this strong urge to delete this post but oh well, my fingers just went "publish" instead. hah. going nuts. must be the medicine.
trying to control myself.
darn, exams are coming up.
and with all the deadlines,
i can hardly breathe.
JS wrote me a long long letter.
and i think, he is concerned about me getting a burned out.
in which, i promised i will plan my time carefully.
man, its tough."
Those are exactly my thoughts now. I felt the pressure suddenly. Pressure from school work. People gets addicted to caffeine, drugs, booze, sex etc. Iam addicted to sleep. If i dont get my usual noon naps, my mind will start drifting elsewhere. And that was what exactly happened this afternoon. Iam trying to break out of this though. I know the beginning to any changes can be tough. But its essential to take the first step. Its not just this iam worried about. My quality of work is declining. That is my greatest pressure. As mentioned, exams are coming up. And i seemed to be going through one of my darkest periods concurrently.
Min dropped by yesterday. It was a surprise visit. She was so sweet. Bought me this pillow mist from L'Occitane, Meiji Choc and a cd featuring Bobby McFerrin. We chatted till almost 1am when i urged her to return home. I wish for longer chats though. But those short moments were enough. She kept emphasizing that, friends ought to be here for me and that, i shouldnt feel bad. To be frank, i hate troubling people. Not even my family actually. I guess, if iam living alone outside, my family will never know about my problems. Well, i guess, life is like that hur?
i havent blame anyone for my problems. Sometimes, i do feel that, the problems are not enough to last me a lifetime. Everyone should face with problems to grow. But i know, iam learning the hard way. No route is easy and i accept that. I seemed to be babbling non-stop. Have this strong urge to delete this post but oh well, my fingers just went "publish" instead. hah. going nuts. must be the medicine.
|10:54 PM|
at the airport
Iii be lying if i say i dont miss him. It has been more than a week since i heard from him. That certainly worries me. As everyone knows, i do think alot and have probably reach a stage where i became irrational. I dont know if the Indonesia earthquake does affect him in any ways. Yes, two different countries but they are connected by the same water. And if i remember correctly, he was supposed to be stationed at a rig in the open waters. It is worrying me. =(
Been getting the spells recently. Dont know if its the side effects of the medication but i doubt so. I had that same spells half year back. And the doc couldnt diagnose anything. Doc even suggested going to a specialist. I refused of course. Pretty ex i guess. Anyway, i do see the urgency to nurse myself back to health for, exams are coming. I cant fall sick and i dont want to.
Well, i realised iam not into my usual writing style. Just type whatever that comes into my mind. Rather unstructured i guess. But who cares. I met up with babe and fang last week. Speaking to them was kinda, tough? My thoughts were really scattered. But of course, they didnt mind. It wasnt like this in the past. I guess, there are some problems with my communication skills now. And sad to say, i dont remember things as well as i do in the past. Been pretty forgetful. JS bought me a book, "The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck" after our meetup at Harry's. It was meant to be a surprise and of course, reading the letter he wrote was nice as well. Yes, i have made another well-deserving friend at smu. Thanks dude. =)
|11:08 AM|
I have always thought that writing your everyday's doing is purely weird cos, why would everyone wants to know what you have eaten for lunch and what you have bought for your shopping trip today. I was so wrong. Now that my life is kinda empty, i have grown to appreciate reading other people's lives of what they do everyday. At times, i wish to rack my brains and asked myself if i have anything to blog for my friends.
But often, i have nothing to write, for my life at the moment, consists mostly of sleeping and study. Fulfilling life i have none. What a shame. At the moment, i have been taking 3 different types of medication and yes, iam relying on sleeping pills to overcome that insommia that i suffered for the last few nights. I wish to resume my exercises and run as that should get rid of those letargic-ness and restlessness i have during the day.
Yesterday BY came over and exclaimed in disgust (remind me to punch him for this) that i looked thin. Scrawny and boney. In case if anyone is concerned about me now, NO, i dont look that terrible alright. He just likes to exaggerate. Well, i know he is concerned la. Anyway, will be back soon with a new entry on what i have been doing in dec 2006 till now. Whether anyone likes it, iam definitely writing.
But often, i have nothing to write, for my life at the moment, consists mostly of sleeping and study. Fulfilling life i have none. What a shame. At the moment, i have been taking 3 different types of medication and yes, iam relying on sleeping pills to overcome that insommia that i suffered for the last few nights. I wish to resume my exercises and run as that should get rid of those letargic-ness and restlessness i have during the day.
Yesterday BY came over and exclaimed in disgust (remind me to punch him for this) that i looked thin. Scrawny and boney. In case if anyone is concerned about me now, NO, i dont look that terrible alright. He just likes to exaggerate. Well, i know he is concerned la. Anyway, will be back soon with a new entry on what i have been doing in dec 2006 till now. Whether anyone likes it, iam definitely writing.
end note: pardon my spelling errors. not exactly that critical of my words now.
|2:55 PM|