Don't know what gotten to me these 2 weeks. I have been so freakin' FRUSTRATED. Like to pick at the slightest thing. Wonder if its my mense? BOSS bids? Lack of sleep? Lack of my own personal time? My sickness? My past? My present?
I just freakin don't know.
|12:26 PM|
2 months may have passed. But memories are still vivid. Been told to move on and i have prolly did. But what happened during that short span of time certainly changed my life. Regardless of what others say about my entry, iam still gonna blogged abt it, for these are my exact thoughts about the issues that happened.
In the past, when i was overwhelmed with emotions, i just took my pills, brawl it all out or just lapsed into another dimension. I was definitely badly affected by the past events. Its true that time is suppose to heal, but as mentioned countless of times before, how long does it takes to heal exactly? She took 2 years for a 6 months relationship. I really donno about myself. Not forgetting the fact that i gave my entire ALL in that 1.5 years. I regretted for this point. I regretted not holding back. I regretted being overly self-sacrificial. I regretted trying to be his everything. I regretted letting myself getting hurt when i was suppose to self-love.
And of course, my biggest regret was to allow my emotions taking over me for the whole six months. I refused help from mom, dad, sis and friends. I just wanted help from him. I think he tried but the help he gave was not what i wanted.
I tried to take many baby steps to get myself outta this but to no avail. That time, i was emotionally dependent on him. Only he was capable of making me happy and sad. And frankly, i think that really sucks. Relationships ARE supposed to be beautiful and trusting. Why do i live with so much decep and prolly hatred? During the time when i needed a trusted support the most, he left me. Yes, i became heavily dependent on my family, friends and jinsheng. Not that i really wanted to but i was left with no choice. I remembered blogging a private entry, "....extremely rocky now...really pray for the best and hope we dont end up going seperate ways cos if that happens, its really the end of the world of me......" Fang also mentioned few months back that, if i were to suffer a breakup, my condition will certainly get worst. True enough, that happened.
Come to think of it, some friends thought it was pure cruelty. Others thought it might be a blessing in disguise. As for me, it could be a mixture of both but prolly skewed more to the latter. Actually, i thought i might have a committment phobia after this. But surprisingly, this is not the case for jinsheng. Through him and all the past events that had occured, i learnt to be emotionally independent from my partners. And i thought that has made me happier to some great extend. I have derive joy from the things i wish to do, not from my boyfriend.
Anyway, speaking of which, we have been together for coming close to a month. I think time passed very fast and the day that we got together was extremely significant, 150607. Its the middle of the year and the middle of the month. Additionally, its his birthday too. Kok Liang says i can save on his present every year. =) haha. Oh well, he has been so great as well. Really wonderful. We do have our disagreements at times, but i guess we always talk things out and i really appreciate that =)
Suppose to be celebrating this sat. I told him i wanted sushi cos i am extremely obsessed with Salmon Sashimi =D Oh my, typing this now just makes me hungry. Gotta wait tho. Good things must always wait. And also, its less a month to my HongKong trip. I just met up with mel today to discuss with her about our trip. Getting excited as well. My first time abroad with friend. How cool can that be? Its gonna be sucha wonderful birthday present to me. I guess its kinda sad that eileen can join. And really babe, i wonder how you are getting on. I wanted to comment you on your bloggy. But after typing, i decided to drop you an email the next day. And as expected, that next day never came! sorry. But still, i do care and i really miss you. =) just text me if anything k. iii always be here
|6:13 PM|
its been long since i blogged. Lost that momentum in writing tho. And i have tried countless attempt to do up a nice blogskin which of cos, produces fruitless results. Iam just too overly perfectionist that all the skins that i created doesnt seem to satisfy me. Anyway, will continue to customise one when i have the time. =p
Have been really busy with work. The job at HSBC was really crap but, i did learn ALOT. Leasing work was certainly not my forte and i started everything from scratch. Frankly, it was the worst job i have ever temp. Almost everyday, i get "screwed" from all directions. Once i fend off an arrow from one department, another comes from behind. The last straw came when i was made to take the blame for a failed contract. I wish to stay but getting $6/hr was certainly not very fantastic. It was simply less than peanuts. Decided to leave for greener fields and chance upon a job near my home.
Guess what? Life can get so contradicting at times. After working for a day there, i realised i preferred the fast pace job at Shenton. So i left the company and got a job at OCBC. Anyway, it was not all bad at HSBC. I was always looking forward to lunch with him where we will both start whining to each other about work. =) Oh well, i just wanna work as much as i can to pay for my HK trip in August with meli! cant wait.
Note: its getting real late and frankly, i havent finish blogging =) Shall continue in next entry then.
|1:27 AM|