where you go
This song sorta revealed what i have been feeling all along. Definitely not the entire lyrics. Just these verses.
Where you go
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home
Yes, i don't deny this. I miss him and it has been more than one month since he left. At many times, when he called back, i fought the urge to speak more to him. I just checked his latest bill. One half hour call from Mexico costs $50+. Freakin'. That is so damm ex la. So you know, some sacrifices just have to be made. Shorter calls.
I was emotionally screwed during this period of his absence. And i got into some accident. As much as i needed his protection and companionship, i couldnt get it. And as i mentioned, i didnt want to bring any unhappiness and worry in our short conversation. Time is precious to us.
Anw, sometimes, i feel really unappreciated when i tried to help friends out with their problems. I dont see the need to take sides. But all i want to do is to voice my opinions. I guess, people just dont see the same things as i do. That is kinda' sad. But fraid patience is running out. I have more important issues to take care of.
Where you go
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home
Yes, i don't deny this. I miss him and it has been more than one month since he left. At many times, when he called back, i fought the urge to speak more to him. I just checked his latest bill. One half hour call from Mexico costs $50+. Freakin'. That is so damm ex la. So you know, some sacrifices just have to be made. Shorter calls.
I was emotionally screwed during this period of his absence. And i got into some accident. As much as i needed his protection and companionship, i couldnt get it. And as i mentioned, i didnt want to bring any unhappiness and worry in our short conversation. Time is precious to us.
Anw, sometimes, i feel really unappreciated when i tried to help friends out with their problems. I dont see the need to take sides. But all i want to do is to voice my opinions. I guess, people just dont see the same things as i do. That is kinda' sad. But fraid patience is running out. I have more important issues to take care of.
|12:08 AM|
Friendship
Added: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearest bestie, Serene!
Friendship. This is how i measure friendship.
1) Level of understanding **
2) Level of closeness
3) Level of honesty *
4) Level of sacrificing
Of course not ALL besties have fulfilled everything above so perfectly. I am not one who likes taking initiative in maintaining friendship. Dont ask me why for i really dont know. I should really count my lucky stars for those besties who have walked down the journey of friendship with me for these past few years.
Now if you ask me, the closest person to understand me totally would be sister. And prolly fang is the next person. I always believe that the quality time that friends spent together contributes to the level of understanding they have for one another. Sis and fang saw me through my ups and downs since Mister No. 1 days. As i grow older, i begin to see more and realise which friendships are the ones worth keeping and which ones aren't.
Yesterday, Sis and i were at Plaza Singapura. Dad wanted burger for supper. As sis was walking towards one of the fast food chain, i quickly pulled her to one side upon seeing an acquaintance at the counter. Sis's mind went blank momentarily. It was like, 'kua dio gui'! (saw ghost) I better blog this earlier cos next week is the start of Ghost Festival (:
We werent exactly close to her at all but she just kept asking us out for meals ktv clubbing and such. We are both peaceful people and hence, open confrontation is certainly not our cuppa' tea. So we siam! To be frank, i'ii rather go out with people whose company i enjoy. Why do i have to pretend to be nice when i am truly not? Anw, i think i am an extremely straightforward person. Can get pretty nasty when retaliating to the people i dislike. But for besties and other friends, i am usually tactful.
And when school term starts, i'ii be even more selective of the people whom i hang out with. Besties will be top priority. BY came over yesterday night and he noticed some changes in me. I told him: 'University shapes people's character.' I have ever mentioned before that university is a replica of the working society. Prolly i have changed to protect myself.
I dont wanna be a lost soul in University. Don't wanna be asking myself: "Why am i taking a Bachelor in Business for? What is my aim in life? What are my goals?
Iam already 21. To start pondering at such a stage is late. The world is moving and yes, time waits for no man. This thought will prolly change as i get older, but i believe at the moment, i already know what i want. I am studying a degree in Business for a cause and i am gonna work towards it. And one of my friend's nick in msn stated: 'Obstacles arises only when you lose sight of the goal.' How true can that be.
Sorry i digress. Anw, what i wanna say is, I have changed since i grad from NP. Naturally. I am able to tell who are the ones who are sincere and who arent. Intuition doesnt fail me. I may be blur but I don't have to remain as one forever.
I used to silently tolerate when friends took me for granted and when people backstab me by taking credit for my work. But life changes. I have changed. So before friends asked me about why i didnt contact them for eons and whatsoever, reflect on your actions first. I wont hesitate to be nice anymore. My reason is simple, you're not worth my time and friendship.
Anyway, birthday is coming up in less than a month's time. I can't believe i am turing 21 soon. Yes, birthdays are very important to me. But sadly, the boyfriend won't be here to celebrate this significant day due to work commitments. I don't blame him alright. Really. And i don't even know when he is coming back. Firstly, it was 2 months. Then it became >2 months. Then now, it became like, maybe 6 months? Seriously, i didnt even realise this relationship has became a long-distance relationship :)
; Holding your hand always feels magical, Mister Tott.
This feeling has never change for these past 8 months.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo <3.>
|10:30 PM|
raw feelings
Jealously. Anger. Loath.
All these vice and negativity of human nature. As much as how angelic and composed friends perceived me to be, I do succumb to the temptation of displaying such behaviour at times. And really, people seldom admit this fact but i know myself, i just can't fight my own conscience.
And yes, i admit. I loath this certain lady in my life. But things weren't as simple as it is. Y'see, this lady evolves around the lives of my loved ones, sis and him respectively. To further complicate matters, this lady is actually best friends to the two of them. I first knew her 2 years ago at a KTV session. My first impression of her was bad. We just didnt click. Since then, i dislike her. Over these 2 years, something personal happened between sis and her. Being too protective of my only sister, my dislike for her aggravated. And the closeness that she has gotten with my boy has caused this dislike to develop into hatred.
Tell me, am i in the wrong for behaving like this?
I believe many of my friends who read my blog may agree that iam at fault. But really, the close level of friendship that both my bf and she shares has gotten me extremely uneasy. Yes, i do admit iam jealous. But which gf doesn't? It is not a matter of trust that we are talking about here. I do trust him for your infor. But the issue here is, how close can two friends of opposite gender get?
Does knowing each other for 7-8 years count as good buds? Or does going through all the up-downs with each other count instead? If there is a need to differentiate so clearly between my good buds and his, lemme draw up this comparison.
Yes, he has knew this lady for 7-8 years. But they became good buddies only last year. Not forgetting to mention that this lady was infatuated with my boy. (i donno about now. But heard she still habour some liking for him.) But i guess, things didnt work out and i came into his life.
As for me, I have two rather close male buddies. And really, i would say i have been through many dramatic rollar coaster up-downs with the two of them. Things involving soccer debts, cheating case during exams, police case, breaking up of friendship etc. Despite all these, I stood by them for all these years. Friendship with them has never been deteriorated.
However, no matter how close all of us are, we always have our limits. Close buds should always have their limits. Generally, i don't believe in getting so close to the extend of making him uneasy. That is my DUTY as a girlfriend, isn't it? Is holding on to this friendship so tightly worth everything, including sacrificing the relationship?
Since young, i believe that i went through much more than my peers. Financial instability was the main cause. I went through primary school with only 60cents as my daily allowance. And even in this process, i managed to save. Iam not seeking sympathy. I dont need one. I just want to voice out this, because family problems started to balloon and daily arguements arose. Growing up in sucha' environment, how would one expect me to be less melancholy?
No one is perfect. Even trying to achieve to become a better person takes time. And in this process, i have sometimes been forced to grow up much more quickly than ever. I thought my past would have made me a mature person. Unfortunately, i never knew that this kind of maturity is never enough in my relationship. I sometimes struggle to think like a 28 years old lady, despite being just 21. At many times, i have been told never to behave like this, never to behave like that. But have everybody forgot that iam just 21? A young lady who have yet to see the world, yet to experience what the cruel society is like.
I need encouragements to move forward, not criticisms. Yes, the society is cruel and by taking in criticisms, i will be stronger this way. But you are not the society. I don't seek comfort in the society. I don't seek comfort in my bosses. I seek comfort in you. In my friends. "Spare the rod and spoil the kid." This approach works for some people but certainly not for me. I hope you see my point.
Yes, life is short. Friends always tell me to enjoy it while i still can. But why dont i get to feel more of those happiness in this life? All these happiness which i thought i rightfully deserves. Feelings are rather raw now. I donno. Prolly many things has happened to me in this period of his absence. And when i really needed him, he aint around. But i just couldn't bear to let him know when he calls from Mexico. No point making another person worry at another part of the world right?
Alright, I have way way too many questions in my entry.
All these vice and negativity of human nature. As much as how angelic and composed friends perceived me to be, I do succumb to the temptation of displaying such behaviour at times. And really, people seldom admit this fact but i know myself, i just can't fight my own conscience.
And yes, i admit. I loath this certain lady in my life. But things weren't as simple as it is. Y'see, this lady evolves around the lives of my loved ones, sis and him respectively. To further complicate matters, this lady is actually best friends to the two of them. I first knew her 2 years ago at a KTV session. My first impression of her was bad. We just didnt click. Since then, i dislike her. Over these 2 years, something personal happened between sis and her. Being too protective of my only sister, my dislike for her aggravated. And the closeness that she has gotten with my boy has caused this dislike to develop into hatred.
Tell me, am i in the wrong for behaving like this?
I believe many of my friends who read my blog may agree that iam at fault. But really, the close level of friendship that both my bf and she shares has gotten me extremely uneasy. Yes, i do admit iam jealous. But which gf doesn't? It is not a matter of trust that we are talking about here. I do trust him for your infor. But the issue here is, how close can two friends of opposite gender get?
Does knowing each other for 7-8 years count as good buds? Or does going through all the up-downs with each other count instead? If there is a need to differentiate so clearly between my good buds and his, lemme draw up this comparison.
Yes, he has knew this lady for 7-8 years. But they became good buddies only last year. Not forgetting to mention that this lady was infatuated with my boy. (i donno about now. But heard she still habour some liking for him.) But i guess, things didnt work out and i came into his life.
As for me, I have two rather close male buddies. And really, i would say i have been through many dramatic rollar coaster up-downs with the two of them. Things involving soccer debts, cheating case during exams, police case, breaking up of friendship etc. Despite all these, I stood by them for all these years. Friendship with them has never been deteriorated.
However, no matter how close all of us are, we always have our limits. Close buds should always have their limits. Generally, i don't believe in getting so close to the extend of making him uneasy. That is my DUTY as a girlfriend, isn't it? Is holding on to this friendship so tightly worth everything, including sacrificing the relationship?
Since young, i believe that i went through much more than my peers. Financial instability was the main cause. I went through primary school with only 60cents as my daily allowance. And even in this process, i managed to save. Iam not seeking sympathy. I dont need one. I just want to voice out this, because family problems started to balloon and daily arguements arose. Growing up in sucha' environment, how would one expect me to be less melancholy?
No one is perfect. Even trying to achieve to become a better person takes time. And in this process, i have sometimes been forced to grow up much more quickly than ever. I thought my past would have made me a mature person. Unfortunately, i never knew that this kind of maturity is never enough in my relationship. I sometimes struggle to think like a 28 years old lady, despite being just 21. At many times, i have been told never to behave like this, never to behave like that. But have everybody forgot that iam just 21? A young lady who have yet to see the world, yet to experience what the cruel society is like.
I need encouragements to move forward, not criticisms. Yes, the society is cruel and by taking in criticisms, i will be stronger this way. But you are not the society. I don't seek comfort in the society. I don't seek comfort in my bosses. I seek comfort in you. In my friends. "Spare the rod and spoil the kid." This approach works for some people but certainly not for me. I hope you see my point.
Yes, life is short. Friends always tell me to enjoy it while i still can. But why dont i get to feel more of those happiness in this life? All these happiness which i thought i rightfully deserves. Feelings are rather raw now. I donno. Prolly many things has happened to me in this period of his absence. And when i really needed him, he aint around. But i just couldn't bear to let him know when he calls from Mexico. No point making another person worry at another part of the world right?
Alright, I have way way too many questions in my entry.
|2:47 PM|