I have been judged.
And the worst deal of all, it was done by a good friend.
Discovered that few days ago. Didnt wanna blog bout' it as yet. Given my reckless nature, i would prolly blog something impulsive and harsh. Took those few days to think and ya, i have recovered. I think.
Feelings of being judged. Yes, i've experienced that in my poly days. Majority of people turning against me just because of a gurl. No one bothers to find out what's wrong and immediately pass judgement. Gfs stood by me but not my close male friends. I felt the pain and hurt. That's why from that on, i told myself not to judge others before finding out more. For these 2 years, i have seen many problems and tried practicing impartiality.
I never thought that after that 2 years, i would be judged again by yet, another good friend. Okay, i am naive. Naive thoughts of people not judging me for i don judge people. I was wrong. During those infrequent meet-ups, i was being all honest bout' my current life. Thinking that they, my dearest gfs, deserve to know. All my feelings. Dilemma. Thoughts. Problems. Analysis. Everything.
And yes, i've paid a heavy price for being honest. Should i regret my action? I donno.
It's hard for people to differentiate between desperation and fighting for happiness. I understand. Was treading on a very thin line there. Being very careful of the things that i did. Constantly consult Min and Sis before doing anything. I tried. I really did.
For a while, i ponder. What's really the definition of desperation. Asked a few gfs of mine.
Mel Ooi's reasoning : 'Maybe one who goes out flirting with other guys, hinting that she likes any guy whom she knows after a while. As in, liking from one guy to another, not neccessary going into a relationship.'
Min's reasoning : (Well, Min didnt give me a definite answer but she do know when to draw the line of going into desperadoos) Yes, i have her assurance that i am doing a-ookkay.
Sis reasoning : Pestering. People who wait by the phone or comp for their significant other to pop out. And falling for people easily. Rushing into relationships.
My reasoning : Prolly one who keeps pending and searching for the next available guy. Dependent singlets. One who waits and waits endlessly for calls and msg. Siao! No life.
Definition of desperation is pretty wide. The above reasoning refers to SINGLE people. Not applicable to people who are attached.
A check with my character against the above reasoning.
Verdict: "I am clear. Definitely clear."
Whatever their reasoning, it just aint my doings. Yes, at times i do get all emotional and stuff, but somehow somewhere, i felt that i do have a way in dealing this. And as mention, whatever things i do for him or for myself, i do know my limits. Cause i strongly believe that currently, both of us just want each other to live well.
Well, that's all i have to say. Whatever happens in my life, I know for sure, i do have people to fall back on. I would NEVER EVER think that i am alone. And my dearest friend, i don bear a grudge against you. Each have their freedom of speech. I don blame anyone. Prolly i still need more time to get to know you better despite those years of friendship.
|4:40 PM|