cranky bitch blogging in progress. Life is brutal.
"i really don't know how you manage to stand all that?" Supposingly, that sentence refers to my endurance during this period of Alvin's absence. To be honest, i don't know how it happen, i don't know why it happen and i don't know when it happen. Y'know, at many times, life doesn't give you much choices to choose from. Take me for example. He has to leave for an overseas assignment. It can last for weeks and months, or in my case, 1 month. Minimal contact. And if he really contacts me, the chat will last only 5 mins. Afterwhich, he poof again. To all couple friends out there, iam pretty sure 5mins is never enough but, i can only be contented with the fact that, at least he called.
So am i given a choice when he leaves? Hell yes, i DO have a choice! My options consist of
1) leaving him and getting someone else who will give me my well-deserved attention
or
2) staying by his side.
Of which i chose the latter of course. Y'see, environment changes you. Sadly, the reverse is not possible. People just can't change the environment. I know iam just 21. But really, time passed way too fast. If you don't catch up, you'ii just get left behind. That is our society. Brutal. Inhuman. To some extent, it's cannabalism. As what people calls it, the 'dog-eat-dog' world. Very unfortunately, some of these scenes were sometimes portrayed in uni. School life ain't that innocent and carefree anymore. Maybe not for uni at least. Believe me, constant reality checks will ensure you that life is no fairytale. Anyway, iam still gonna keep school life as it is. Free from hypocrisy and bad-stabbing.
Remember the period of time where i underwent tremendous stress and constantly getting the swings? I felt really low. Incompetent. Worthless. As the summer started, i was beginning to reflect. And when he left, i reflected even more. Yes, i gained back my confidence. But that's not the pressing issue actually. I felt that i am gaining back my confidence in such an increasing speed that it's becoming scary. Iam suddenly not afraid anymore. In fact, i fear of having the capability of becoming a player. Which, in my opinion, is really frightening. I became more aware. Alert and intuitive.
Seriously, i think this change is gonna surprise him when he gets back. Sigh. Iam becoming weird. As in, i want to remain strong for him. And to stay off trouble when he ain't around. He definitely won't be feeling good if something happens to me when he's abroad. The worst part is that iam not even within his reach when i crumble. Well, i just don't want him to feel any sense of guilt towards me.
We all have priorities in our lives. And to be honest, iam No.3 on his list. Job and family took the first two positions respectively. Iam different. Family first. Followed by him and studies. Y'see, he is my motivating tool. Iam confident of juggling well with school and him. Just like poly times. Anw, No.3 or not, i still love him dearly. Prolly the only guy ever to make me change so much for. I mean, it was good. I emerged a much stronger and mature person than before. The route ahead of this relationship is misty. Every relationship is. Whatever it is, we are both working our way through no matter what.
Okay, as usual, the cranky bitch has just came and went.
So am i given a choice when he leaves? Hell yes, i DO have a choice! My options consist of
1) leaving him and getting someone else who will give me my well-deserved attention
or
2) staying by his side.
Of which i chose the latter of course. Y'see, environment changes you. Sadly, the reverse is not possible. People just can't change the environment. I know iam just 21. But really, time passed way too fast. If you don't catch up, you'ii just get left behind. That is our society. Brutal. Inhuman. To some extent, it's cannabalism. As what people calls it, the 'dog-eat-dog' world. Very unfortunately, some of these scenes were sometimes portrayed in uni. School life ain't that innocent and carefree anymore. Maybe not for uni at least. Believe me, constant reality checks will ensure you that life is no fairytale. Anyway, iam still gonna keep school life as it is. Free from hypocrisy and bad-stabbing.
Remember the period of time where i underwent tremendous stress and constantly getting the swings? I felt really low. Incompetent. Worthless. As the summer started, i was beginning to reflect. And when he left, i reflected even more. Yes, i gained back my confidence. But that's not the pressing issue actually. I felt that i am gaining back my confidence in such an increasing speed that it's becoming scary. Iam suddenly not afraid anymore. In fact, i fear of having the capability of becoming a player. Which, in my opinion, is really frightening. I became more aware. Alert and intuitive.
Seriously, i think this change is gonna surprise him when he gets back. Sigh. Iam becoming weird. As in, i want to remain strong for him. And to stay off trouble when he ain't around. He definitely won't be feeling good if something happens to me when he's abroad. The worst part is that iam not even within his reach when i crumble. Well, i just don't want him to feel any sense of guilt towards me.
We all have priorities in our lives. And to be honest, iam No.3 on his list. Job and family took the first two positions respectively. Iam different. Family first. Followed by him and studies. Y'see, he is my motivating tool. Iam confident of juggling well with school and him. Just like poly times. Anw, No.3 or not, i still love him dearly. Prolly the only guy ever to make me change so much for. I mean, it was good. I emerged a much stronger and mature person than before. The route ahead of this relationship is misty. Every relationship is. Whatever it is, we are both working our way through no matter what.
Okay, as usual, the cranky bitch has just came and went.
|1:04 AM|