raw feelings
Jealously. Anger. Loath.
All these vice and negativity of human nature. As much as how angelic and composed friends perceived me to be, I do succumb to the temptation of displaying such behaviour at times. And really, people seldom admit this fact but i know myself, i just can't fight my own conscience.
And yes, i admit. I loath this certain lady in my life. But things weren't as simple as it is. Y'see, this lady evolves around the lives of my loved ones, sis and him respectively. To further complicate matters, this lady is actually best friends to the two of them. I first knew her 2 years ago at a KTV session. My first impression of her was bad. We just didnt click. Since then, i dislike her. Over these 2 years, something personal happened between sis and her. Being too protective of my only sister, my dislike for her aggravated. And the closeness that she has gotten with my boy has caused this dislike to develop into hatred.
Tell me, am i in the wrong for behaving like this?
I believe many of my friends who read my blog may agree that iam at fault. But really, the close level of friendship that both my bf and she shares has gotten me extremely uneasy. Yes, i do admit iam jealous. But which gf doesn't? It is not a matter of trust that we are talking about here. I do trust him for your infor. But the issue here is, how close can two friends of opposite gender get?
Does knowing each other for 7-8 years count as good buds? Or does going through all the up-downs with each other count instead? If there is a need to differentiate so clearly between my good buds and his, lemme draw up this comparison.
Yes, he has knew this lady for 7-8 years. But they became good buddies only last year. Not forgetting to mention that this lady was infatuated with my boy. (i donno about now. But heard she still habour some liking for him.) But i guess, things didnt work out and i came into his life.
As for me, I have two rather close male buddies. And really, i would say i have been through many dramatic rollar coaster up-downs with the two of them. Things involving soccer debts, cheating case during exams, police case, breaking up of friendship etc. Despite all these, I stood by them for all these years. Friendship with them has never been deteriorated.
However, no matter how close all of us are, we always have our limits. Close buds should always have their limits. Generally, i don't believe in getting so close to the extend of making him uneasy. That is my DUTY as a girlfriend, isn't it? Is holding on to this friendship so tightly worth everything, including sacrificing the relationship?
Since young, i believe that i went through much more than my peers. Financial instability was the main cause. I went through primary school with only 60cents as my daily allowance. And even in this process, i managed to save. Iam not seeking sympathy. I dont need one. I just want to voice out this, because family problems started to balloon and daily arguements arose. Growing up in sucha' environment, how would one expect me to be less melancholy?
No one is perfect. Even trying to achieve to become a better person takes time. And in this process, i have sometimes been forced to grow up much more quickly than ever. I thought my past would have made me a mature person. Unfortunately, i never knew that this kind of maturity is never enough in my relationship. I sometimes struggle to think like a 28 years old lady, despite being just 21. At many times, i have been told never to behave like this, never to behave like that. But have everybody forgot that iam just 21? A young lady who have yet to see the world, yet to experience what the cruel society is like.
I need encouragements to move forward, not criticisms. Yes, the society is cruel and by taking in criticisms, i will be stronger this way. But you are not the society. I don't seek comfort in the society. I don't seek comfort in my bosses. I seek comfort in you. In my friends. "Spare the rod and spoil the kid." This approach works for some people but certainly not for me. I hope you see my point.
Yes, life is short. Friends always tell me to enjoy it while i still can. But why dont i get to feel more of those happiness in this life? All these happiness which i thought i rightfully deserves. Feelings are rather raw now. I donno. Prolly many things has happened to me in this period of his absence. And when i really needed him, he aint around. But i just couldn't bear to let him know when he calls from Mexico. No point making another person worry at another part of the world right?
Alright, I have way way too many questions in my entry.
All these vice and negativity of human nature. As much as how angelic and composed friends perceived me to be, I do succumb to the temptation of displaying such behaviour at times. And really, people seldom admit this fact but i know myself, i just can't fight my own conscience.
And yes, i admit. I loath this certain lady in my life. But things weren't as simple as it is. Y'see, this lady evolves around the lives of my loved ones, sis and him respectively. To further complicate matters, this lady is actually best friends to the two of them. I first knew her 2 years ago at a KTV session. My first impression of her was bad. We just didnt click. Since then, i dislike her. Over these 2 years, something personal happened between sis and her. Being too protective of my only sister, my dislike for her aggravated. And the closeness that she has gotten with my boy has caused this dislike to develop into hatred.
Tell me, am i in the wrong for behaving like this?
I believe many of my friends who read my blog may agree that iam at fault. But really, the close level of friendship that both my bf and she shares has gotten me extremely uneasy. Yes, i do admit iam jealous. But which gf doesn't? It is not a matter of trust that we are talking about here. I do trust him for your infor. But the issue here is, how close can two friends of opposite gender get?
Does knowing each other for 7-8 years count as good buds? Or does going through all the up-downs with each other count instead? If there is a need to differentiate so clearly between my good buds and his, lemme draw up this comparison.
Yes, he has knew this lady for 7-8 years. But they became good buddies only last year. Not forgetting to mention that this lady was infatuated with my boy. (i donno about now. But heard she still habour some liking for him.) But i guess, things didnt work out and i came into his life.
As for me, I have two rather close male buddies. And really, i would say i have been through many dramatic rollar coaster up-downs with the two of them. Things involving soccer debts, cheating case during exams, police case, breaking up of friendship etc. Despite all these, I stood by them for all these years. Friendship with them has never been deteriorated.
However, no matter how close all of us are, we always have our limits. Close buds should always have their limits. Generally, i don't believe in getting so close to the extend of making him uneasy. That is my DUTY as a girlfriend, isn't it? Is holding on to this friendship so tightly worth everything, including sacrificing the relationship?
Since young, i believe that i went through much more than my peers. Financial instability was the main cause. I went through primary school with only 60cents as my daily allowance. And even in this process, i managed to save. Iam not seeking sympathy. I dont need one. I just want to voice out this, because family problems started to balloon and daily arguements arose. Growing up in sucha' environment, how would one expect me to be less melancholy?
No one is perfect. Even trying to achieve to become a better person takes time. And in this process, i have sometimes been forced to grow up much more quickly than ever. I thought my past would have made me a mature person. Unfortunately, i never knew that this kind of maturity is never enough in my relationship. I sometimes struggle to think like a 28 years old lady, despite being just 21. At many times, i have been told never to behave like this, never to behave like that. But have everybody forgot that iam just 21? A young lady who have yet to see the world, yet to experience what the cruel society is like.
I need encouragements to move forward, not criticisms. Yes, the society is cruel and by taking in criticisms, i will be stronger this way. But you are not the society. I don't seek comfort in the society. I don't seek comfort in my bosses. I seek comfort in you. In my friends. "Spare the rod and spoil the kid." This approach works for some people but certainly not for me. I hope you see my point.
Yes, life is short. Friends always tell me to enjoy it while i still can. But why dont i get to feel more of those happiness in this life? All these happiness which i thought i rightfully deserves. Feelings are rather raw now. I donno. Prolly many things has happened to me in this period of his absence. And when i really needed him, he aint around. But i just couldn't bear to let him know when he calls from Mexico. No point making another person worry at another part of the world right?
Alright, I have way way too many questions in my entry.
|2:47 PM|